In early 2020 I began the 4th module of my online Master of Science (MSc) degree in Psychology...
Module 1: Mind, Brain, and Behaviour ✓
Module 2: Social Psychology ✓
Module 3: Data Analysis for Psychology ✓
Module 4: Personality, Individual Differences, and Intelligence...
Aaaand I dropped out.
The education I was receiving felt like going further into a narrow entrance to a cave, rather than heading out in to a lush green meadow where I would be happy to play.
And I really needed that meadow.
You've probably seen The Avengers movies, so I'll explain it like this; there's a point in one of the movies where the Hulk gets absolutely thrashed by Thanos.
Totally destroyed.
He came; fully present and ready to rock, and was battered.
After that, Hulk is terrified to come out again.
"NOOOOOOOO" he screams in fear to Bruce Banner's pleas to show himself.
I had that frightened Hulk inside of me; I started studying psychology with the goal of bringing him out again. Not to smash, but to be integrated into the man.
The problem I had with doing more studying was with where it was taking me.
What was the point of doing more modules and writing a dissertation if at the end of it I was still unhappy, agitated, lost?
I felt I had learnt enough.
The part of me that had been given hope through understanding about the mind and body needed a lot of space to grow in to.
I needed to continue shaking things up if there was any chance of really getting better.
So this is what I asked myself::
Is spending the next 2 years continuing to study, research, and write academic papers the best way to train myself to live how I want to live?
More hours on the computer?
More research and writing?
More critical thinking?
More grades?
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
NOPE!
I had clear outcomes for the intervention I was carrying out on myself, and it didn't include just thinking about healing, and change; or just doing it for other people.
In fact, at this point I realised I didn't want to think like a psychologist at all. It's sooooo much analysis and questioning about people; my mind really needed to be settled.
I needed certainty; not continuous uncertainty.
Moreover, I didn't want to be someone who could only talk about how to live differently without actually doing it.
What was the point in that?
It would feel disingenuous.
I wanted to think like someone who actually lived it too; someone healed; someone healthy; someone who actually lived in a way that he thought was right; and that wasn't going to happen without direct experience.
And I'll tell you this with my hand on heart....:
One of the best things I've ever done for myself is to get really clear on the types of relationships I want in my life; the reason is because with that insight comes the truth of WHO I NEED TO BECOME in order to have them.
How could I become the person I needed to be for the relationships I wanted (with friends, family, and romantically) if I wasn't out learning how to do it in real life?
If I was just getting better at writing papers and studying?
If I was constantly over-thinking and learning more esoteric explanations to questions that didn't have clear answers?
Complexity was not what I wanted.
I wanted simplicity.
Learn all the theory you want, but if you're not actually out there living it; experiencing it; then you will never be the one doing it. The emotional experiences won't be significant enough to throw you out into who you want to be.
It's true whether you're learning to overcome being thrashed by Thanos, or anything that involves new ways of thinking, feeling, or behaving.
In short, that is why I stopped studying and chose application instead; I had reached a threshold and I needed a new education; throwing myself into a new unknown (albeit one aligned with my lifestyle goals) was the best decision I could have made for the person I wanted to be.
The experience I gained; the breaking of old ways of thinking; the space for Hulk to feel safe again...none of it would have happened without the decision to choose direct, felt experiences.
The felt experiences are the ones that matter the most.
And the funny thing is, by choosing that path, I have still ended up becoming involved in the area I was looking for from the study of the MSc program; the full MSc qualification wasn't necessary.
As Terrence Mckenna puts it: "Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick."
(If you'd like to learn more, watch the free class I recorded on psychology and your future self by clicking HERE)
